88 Rude Little Naïfs

Pregnant Mom: Slow down a little, I'm not climbing up as fast as you.

Daughter: That's because you're pregnant!

[pause]

Daughter: When I'm pregnant someday, I'm going to climb faster than that.

She sat there with her fork and her finger!

It smelled like something, though, bad.

Girl 1: She's super-pretty. Have you seen her close up?

Girl 2: Yeah, I used to play basketball with her.

86 Medium Lies

Girl on phone: If you honestly think she cooks, that's a lie.

Girl: He's not ugly. He's in the middle.

Female voice over bus radio system: When the light changes, you go, okay?

Mother, with sneezing daughter: [daughter sneezes] God bless. [daughter sneezes] God bless. [daughter sneezes] God bless. [daughter sneezes] Okay enough.

[This next one was really cute at the time. Not sure how well it translates to just text. --Maria]

Mom: Mommy's not looking for that kind of shoe, sweetie. Mommy's looking for black flats. A black, flat kind of shoe.

Little girl: What about this one? It's black, and it's flat!

Girl: I can foil like nobody's business.

Female restaurant patron: You had a lot of girls who were interested in you in the northeast. [laughing] And then you married the Wrong Girl.

Girl in breakfast line: Orange juice is like the water of breakfast. You would die without it.

Girl: Ohmygod I'm sweating from laughing so hard!

1: Trumpet. What are you?

2: [inaudible]

1: Well, not You you.

83 Arguments Counter to Self-Tanner

I don't get why everyone thinks they have to look orange to look nice. You end up looking like a cheese nip.

Man in restaurant: I never liked Joanna. She's just one of those people that, every word out of her mouth, is intended to put you down.

Same man: I know he was going on his ultimate sailing trip around the world, and I called him to do his job, and he said he couldn't, and then he said he could do it, but I had already booked someone else. That is my total knowledge of the matter. ...somewhere in the Cook Islands, he said.

79 Shutdowns

Girl 1: [shouting] Get a room!

Girl 2: They won't be lovers when they go to night school together.

Guy: I can pretty much smell when it's Sunday. Every Sunday, it just smells like Sunday.

If in doubt, just hold hands and scream.

I'm the worst thing that ever happened to me. I always get in the way of things.

Girl: Like, I think even I looked stupid that night.

Not only do I get a pleasure from it, it's distracting me from my work!

Overbearing Mother: Well if you don't like anything there's no point in staring at these shoes!

It's like, You can't think of a lie that Doesn't cost money?

78 Not-so-subtle subtleties

Is that what you call tact? You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.

I'm looking for somebody but I dunno who.

Music Teacher: Was that hard?

Girl 1: Yeah! Everything looks the same when you're hungry! Everything looks like Do.

Girl 2: That was a corny joke.

Girl 1: I'm serious!

Girl: ...all you had to do was keep your mouth shut. Can you imagine? [audio lost] And there were like twenty suicides.

Girl: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!

74 Dead playwrights who must find another bathroom location

Girl: P.S., the cupcakes I made...

Girl: Shakespeare, don't pee on anything!

Kid: My dad has to wear high heels...

Guy: How did that happen?
Girl, on her phone: They're in a jail.

71 Startling New Updates

Yeah, everyone's evil these days.

You make me want to go--again.

I tend to like books where the main character has insomnia. Mark of genius.

Girl 1: Guess what? I have a startling new update!
Girl 2: On our drama?
Girl 1: Yeah! Guess what I think her name is?

Let's go! ...We're totally opposite right now.

Guy: I like [Name]. He's cool.
Girl: Yeah, he's cool. He's funny. He reminds me of a banana.

Girl: I swear, old people get on my last nerve!
Unrelated person: Liar! Liar! Liar!

You don't swear in front of short people.

They're actually better-looking in person.

1: Why are you gonna drink coffee?
2: 'Cause it seems like a good idea.
1: [laughs]

70 Things that are more important than you

I have places to be and naps to take.

Sophomore year is so dramatizing.

It smells like delicious somethings. I'd like some.

67 Ambiguous Sentences

My mom just got pregnant when she had her baby.

She really wants to know.
She'll find out some day. She'll be quiet.

Ooh, I'm so scared of [name]... big ol' box of [name].

First of all you're drooling... and it's metal... it takes a good half hour... and then another good half hour.

Guy 1: But I can't tell you the story!
Guy 2: Just tell me the story or I'll hurt you.
Guy 1: No! It involves you! I can't tell you the story!
[Pause.]
Guy 1: [Name] knows the story.
Guy 2: Tell me the story!

1: He pushed the button for the stop sign instead of for the yellow flasher.
2: [inaudible]
1: And Bill didn't have his glasses today...

Mythical beings live inside my water bottle.

1: This one only has two strings.
2: That's what I said.
1: No, I thought you said, "Nah, never mind."

The square root of 64 is eight...

Guy 1: Do you know the etymology of that word?
Guy 2: What's that?
Guy 1: It's like, why that word became.

It's almost time! I'm almost out of chocolate!

1: ...No?
2: He said it was too big.

1: Do you realize what you're losing?
2: ...superintendent of schools don't care... do away with the position.

Dyed Blonde Girl: So I have [name] sleeping over at my house tonight. You could come over then, but I dunno if you'd want to...

62 Smurfs at the Party on Wednesday

These sound bites were in a draft post from a year ago and somehow never got posted. I think they're still good, so I put them up. Enjoy! -Maria

You see that kid with the mohawk?
Yeah?
His twin sister is the Dark Lord of the Northern Regions!
[hysterical laughter]

Random Kid on Bus: Party on Wednesday! Come on, everybody parties on a Wednesday!

[The previous day...]
Bus driver: [honks horn]
RKoB: Woo! You honk at Tony, Tony honks at you! Woo! Come on Tony, let me out, I'll kick his-

So how many people have called you a Smurf today?
Well, there was... [counts on fingers, muttering about the two people in one class, the four people in English class, etc.] Twelve. Twelve people called me a Smurf today.
You're officially a Smurf.
But you don't have the stupid white hat.
I'll try and get one today and bring it it tomorrow. I'll make one out of newspaper.

6T

Teacher 1: What would I do if I wasn't in the middle of the chaos?
Teacher 2: Seriously!
Teacher 1: I would have nothing fun to do in my life.

Changing Vocal Chords Lad (CVCL): Ew! When I tasted it last time it tasted better.
Girl: Maybe they cut out some sugar.
CVCL: They probably did!

Science teacher: House is crazy. I would like to have a doctor like that. And he has absolutely no people skills. I like that.

CVCL: Excuse me, this is a bus, not a nail salon.

Life sucks. And then you die.

59 Teacherly One-Liners and Escalator Guys...

There's no games in biology!

Geography is not destiny, but geography influences destiny.

I don't speak silence.

Live and learn, or die.

Of course you're gonna play me. That's how we are.

It smells like a preschool. Seriously, smell it!

That's all right, you laugh like a girl. Nothing perjorative, girls.

It's multi-tastic.

Yo, Shrek the Third is my [stuff]!

Anne Hutchinson, she's my favorite!

Jamie doesn't sabe!

I say mathemagical because there are some people who are like, "Where do these crazy mathematicians get these things?"

Your cats are cute. Lemme get one.

It's just a concious thing, like how the hundred-dollar wines taste better.

I hate the library! Librarians scare me!

I can tell what a Porsche is!

That [stuff]'s mad goofball, yo, for real.

The end is coming! How exciting!

You don't smell in science.

No, it was the third day. That's when I realized, "Lady, you need some psychological help."

You look like a young Wesley Snipes. It's a good thing.

I'm more of an escalator guy.

58th Anniversary of Friendship

It makes me sick. And I don't like being sick.

I like hangin' out with good people once in a while. I'm always hangin' around with knuckleheads!

Girl, discussing life: I don't care how it began; I don't plan to be here when it ends!

Guy: Throwing a kitten never felt so good!

Girl 1: ...and then we have to go out to dinner because it's our first anniversary of friendship.
Girl 2: [inaudible insult]
Boy: ...I was about to say that, but I'm being polite today.
[later]
Boy: So, if it's your second anniversary of friendship you have to make two cupcakes, and if it's your third anniversary of friendship, you need to make two cupcakes, a cookie, and another cupcake?

56 Little Lads

Girl: Can I cut your hair?
Guy 1: No! Whenever people cut my hair I either end up looking like Star Wars or the little lad who likes berries and cream.
[later]
Girl: Weren't you paying attention?
Guy 1: I have ADD. Pardon my ADD.

Guy 2: Every time I go on MySpace she's in love with a different person.

Freshman: Ow! You stepped on my football toe!

54 Non-Existent Brain Cells

Guy 1: I don't even have any brain cells.
Guy 2: [affronted] Since when did I have any brain cells?! You knew me in middle school.

Guy: I didn't talk to you!
Girl: You be actin' like a [darn] girl, yo! Can't understand you.

If you can avoid them and all of us, then you deserve to...

53 Dentists Agree...

SCENE: Breakfast time in the "dining room" (a room with those folding tables and chairs in it) of a Best Western motel in northern Vermont. A gaggle of older teenage girls, who are there because of some athletic thing, are talking loudly at the corner table of the room. They don't notice that every single other person in the room is listening in to their amusing (if somewhat airheaded) conversation, for lack of anything else more interesting. One "soccer girl" (hey, they seemed like soccer girls to us) gives us this intelligent-sounding argument on oral hygiene:

SOCCER GIRL: Once when {guy's name} stayed over at my parent's house he forgot his toothbrush, so I was just like whatever, use mine. I'm okay with him using my toothbrush because I make out with him all the time. But if you [motions to friend sitting by, listening attentively] wanted to use my toothbrush, I would be totally grossed out. Because, like, I don't make out with you on a daily basis.

LATER.
It is impossible to tell you who said what in this next section, as there were around seven or eight girls all talking at once, so you'll have to use your imaginations, boys and girls!

Do you like shellfish?
I don't do shellfish.
Yeah, I like clams, but I don't do mussels or oysters.
I LOVE mussels!
What's shellfish?
It's anything that, like, its home is a shell.
Oh.
I love oysters!
Aren't there like, harmful bacteria in oysters?
They're served raw.
You don't like, cook them or anything?
They put some sauce on them, but you just slurp them down.
Can't you, like, drown the oyster?
[Old man over at the next table, who has been reading the newspaper all this time, starts laughing outright, along with everyone else eavesdropping in the room.]
No, they die when they come into the air.
Oh! I was like, how do you drown an oyster?

51 Persperating Spider Monkeys

I'm sweating like a spider monkey over here. [pauses] That made no sense at all, but whatever.

1: Wait, how were people formed?
2: I dunno, from bacteria or something.
1: Ew.
2: [laughs]
1: I just know the Bible version.
2: Yeah, me too.

He did these magic tricks and [stuff], you know, in public.

I share a gym locker with [Girl's Name] and when I got there this morning my clothes were folded.

47 Peanut M&Ms that don't got no peanuts

I hate the M&M peanuts when they don't got no peanuts in 'em!

This looks severely cool.

It was sooo fun! I was sooo scared but it was sooo much fun! I went with...

Girl: Mister, I was at Cosco yesterday and it was windy and my song blew away.
Person: How did your song blow away?
Girl: It was windy and the words blew away.

But miss, chocolate milk makes me crazy!

Girl 1: He's cute. In a very fierce way.
Girl 2: Fierce!

Girl: [screams]
People in hall: [stare]
Girl: That wasn't me, that was my neighbor!

Girl 1: No one can fix things like Cindy can.
Girl 2: Then tell Cindy to fix it!
Girl 1: I will!
Girl 2: Okay!

Girl 1: I had to babysit until three in the morning once.
Girl 2: When did you start?
Girl 1: At like six. I fell asleep on the couch.
[...later in the conversation...]
Girl 1: I raided the fridge and everrything. I always eat their food. They have like this giant candy drawer.

[I know we rarely credit sound bites to their sources, but this one I just had to name.]
Pat Buchanan: [stating the obvious on a news show] The winner, if he does not win, loses!

Okay, um, just tell me how to get into the garage.

THAT'S a boy! EW!

Guy talking to another guy who is halfway down the hallway: I got a zero out of 36... no, I got a zero out of 46... either way, it's still a zero.

[SCENE: two boys are heading to go down a staircase]
Boy 1: She's innocent!
Boy 2: No, she's not!
Boy 1: She wasn't laughing!
Boy 2: That's just the way she is!
[...audio momentarily lost...]
Boy 2: She gotta stop playing innocent!
[...audio lost again...]
Boy 1: Yes she is!
Boy 2: No she isn't!
[This continues until they are out of earshot.]

Number 45, CMT Style

"Let's see how many people interrupt us."
"Put that down."
"How YOU Doing?"
"That, too."

"Focus on your visual concentration."
"I'll add specific details."
"You have to sort of fill it in here."
"So, put in some quotes?"
"Don't ask me."
"She says the same."
"She's a smart student."
"This is fine, can we make this..."
"Change it from a hypothetical to an actual example."

[For those who don't know, the CMT is a standardized test administered to Connecticut students from grades 3-8.]