75 Reasons to never, ever be hard of hearing

This soundbite was contributed by Larry Tusunami, a good friend. Larry provides background for this story: He was in a radiology facility and in the next room, an elderly woman was receiving an explanation of things she had to do after her x-ray. However, she was hard of hearing, so it was necessary for the explainers to raise their voices considerably. --Maria

Woman, speaking quite loudly: REMEMBER, YOUR URINE IS RADIOACTIVE. WHEN YOU URINATE, DO NOT GET ANY ON YOURSELF, OR ELSE THE TEST WILL COME UP POSITIVE, BUT IT'LL BE FALSE.
ALSO, YOU'RE RADIOACTIVE. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GO NEAR ANY PREGNANT WOMEN OR INFANTS.

67 Ambiguous Sentences

My mom just got pregnant when she had her baby.

She really wants to know.
She'll find out some day. She'll be quiet.

Ooh, I'm so scared of [name]... big ol' box of [name].

First of all you're drooling... and it's metal... it takes a good half hour... and then another good half hour.

Guy 1: But I can't tell you the story!
Guy 2: Just tell me the story or I'll hurt you.
Guy 1: No! It involves you! I can't tell you the story!
[Pause.]
Guy 1: [Name] knows the story.
Guy 2: Tell me the story!

1: He pushed the button for the stop sign instead of for the yellow flasher.
2: [inaudible]
1: And Bill didn't have his glasses today...

Mythical beings live inside my water bottle.

1: This one only has two strings.
2: That's what I said.
1: No, I thought you said, "Nah, never mind."

39 Angry People

You cough on me, I'm'a cough right back on you, man!

[Spanish teacher on a rant] If you act like a two-year-old, you will get a two-year-old paycheck which is an F.

[guy looking at something- a camera, I think- with his friend] ...this is the one who said she liked my dad; this is the one...

[after gym class] I feel like an old man.

36 Unwanted Llamas

Oh, no! It ain't the cheesy kind, is it?

Guy in high school lobby: Make way for the king, ladies and gentlemen! And I don't mean me, I mean Chuck Norris!

Yo, I just got a big bag of Mentos. I'm unstoppable!... pretty much. For now.

[hysterical laughter throughout] How do you tap-dance and feed a llama at the same time? [later] How do you tell a llama you don't like him anymore? "I don't like llamas anymore!" [hysterical shrieks]

[Two girls discussing a school project]
1: You can't take care of a baby! You can't even take care of yourself!
2: That's mean! That's mean!
1: No, it's not!
2: I could too!
1: [skeptically] Okay...

Person 1: It's my favorite book cover in the world!
Person 2: Obviously you have no life if you have a favorite book cover.
Person 1: You can write on it!

Why, what color is your house?
I don't know, everyone says it's brown but I think it's blue.

Kid, pointing to confetti: Mom, look! A napkin! Mom, look! A napkin!
Mom: Oh my gravy!