75 Reasons to never, ever be hard of hearing

This soundbite was contributed by Larry Tusunami, a good friend. Larry provides background for this story: He was in a radiology facility and in the next room, an elderly woman was receiving an explanation of things she had to do after her x-ray. However, she was hard of hearing, so it was necessary for the explainers to raise their voices considerably. --Maria

Woman, speaking quite loudly: REMEMBER, YOUR URINE IS RADIOACTIVE. WHEN YOU URINATE, DO NOT GET ANY ON YOURSELF, OR ELSE THE TEST WILL COME UP POSITIVE, BUT IT'LL BE FALSE.
ALSO, YOU'RE RADIOACTIVE. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GO NEAR ANY PREGNANT WOMEN OR INFANTS.

53 Dentists Agree...

SCENE: Breakfast time in the "dining room" (a room with those folding tables and chairs in it) of a Best Western motel in northern Vermont. A gaggle of older teenage girls, who are there because of some athletic thing, are talking loudly at the corner table of the room. They don't notice that every single other person in the room is listening in to their amusing (if somewhat airheaded) conversation, for lack of anything else more interesting. One "soccer girl" (hey, they seemed like soccer girls to us) gives us this intelligent-sounding argument on oral hygiene:

SOCCER GIRL: Once when {guy's name} stayed over at my parent's house he forgot his toothbrush, so I was just like whatever, use mine. I'm okay with him using my toothbrush because I make out with him all the time. But if you [motions to friend sitting by, listening attentively] wanted to use my toothbrush, I would be totally grossed out. Because, like, I don't make out with you on a daily basis.

LATER.
It is impossible to tell you who said what in this next section, as there were around seven or eight girls all talking at once, so you'll have to use your imaginations, boys and girls!

Do you like shellfish?
I don't do shellfish.
Yeah, I like clams, but I don't do mussels or oysters.
I LOVE mussels!
What's shellfish?
It's anything that, like, its home is a shell.
Oh.
I love oysters!
Aren't there like, harmful bacteria in oysters?
They're served raw.
You don't like, cook them or anything?
They put some sauce on them, but you just slurp them down.
Can't you, like, drown the oyster?
[Old man over at the next table, who has been reading the newspaper all this time, starts laughing outright, along with everyone else eavesdropping in the room.]
No, they die when they come into the air.
Oh! I was like, how do you drown an oyster?

Leap Year: February Days

...find something random to do that's off topic.

It's not going to work. We're not doctors.

No, we're meeting at the college!

They had her on some sort of experimental medication. It detached the cartilage from her nose...

1st voice: Hey you! You with the hair!
[Silence.]
1st voice: Hey you with the hair!
2nd voice: [giggles] I know, right? That's a real good description. Everybody has hair!
1st voice: Hey Steven!

[teacher talking to himself] You're out of the loop, that's all.

[noise of disgust] I shoulda dumped it on her head!

...type in "meat" and turn to page 5. [Pause.] Hey, why's everybody [looking at me]?

I still can't believe you guys hid in my room, out of all places in my house.

All your blood goes to your stomach, which raises your blood pressure.