83 Arguments Counter to Self-Tanner

I don't get why everyone thinks they have to look orange to look nice. You end up looking like a cheese nip.

Man in restaurant: I never liked Joanna. She's just one of those people that, every word out of her mouth, is intended to put you down.

Same man: I know he was going on his ultimate sailing trip around the world, and I called him to do his job, and he said he couldn't, and then he said he could do it, but I had already booked someone else. That is my total knowledge of the matter. ...somewhere in the Cook Islands, he said.

72

What? Forgot to pay the gravity bill?

Boy 1: What did you have for breakfast?
Boy 2: You know, chips, pancakes, waffles, some mouthwash, the usual.

I got, like, an F in 3D!

Man: ...but only if it's soured rubber!
Woman: It is!

Woman on Metro-North: And I said, "Chris, I'm gonna come to your house for all my grocery needs!" [chuckle]

Boy: Three out of my four wallets feature unicorns.

It was nondescript. It wasn't bad, it was just nondescript.
[later]
We were stunning, weren't we.

That was the funniest darn thing. Not appropriate, but funny.

Cranky Arthur Avenue shopowner: I can't pull a pizza out of my hat. These people think I can pull a pizza out of my hat.