78 Not-so-subtle subtleties

Is that what you call tact? You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.

I'm looking for somebody but I dunno who.

Music Teacher: Was that hard?

Girl 1: Yeah! Everything looks the same when you're hungry! Everything looks like Do.

Girl 2: That was a corny joke.

Girl 1: I'm serious!

Girl: ...all you had to do was keep your mouth shut. Can you imagine? [audio lost] And there were like twenty suicides.

Girl: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!

77 Words of advice that come but too late

Thanks, respectively, to Mom and Tony. --Maria

Sullen employee regarding unsatisfactory break room conditions: Ain't got no more juice down there. Gotta wash that cheese down with spit.

NO, JOHN! DO NOT SHOOT THE BAZOOKA AT THE GIANT MOSQUITO IN THE HOUSE!

70 Things that are more important than you

I have places to be and naps to take.

Sophomore year is so dramatizing.

It smells like delicious somethings. I'd like some.

68 Life-Loving Wasps

I swear I'm not talking about you. Even though I'm pointing at you, it doesn't mean anything.

He is so game on!

You have a lot of love of life for a wasp.

You sound pretty scourged at the moment.

Why don't you use biobuthenal? Then you can make all the noise you want!

1: He loves to eat, right?
2: Yeah, that's one of the good things about him. A bike ride would be a great idea.

Wouldn't it be funny if you died on a Monday?

It looked nice on the dummy, but it doesn't look nice on me.

Why would I have chocolate at a time like this?

66 Knights of the Round Table

[Before Spamalot begins]
Dad: The password is "the knights who say ni!"
Son: I'm typing it in!
Dad: [musing] How do you spell "ni"? N... I...

[On the train]
Man: ... that and the fact that you're not blood related?
Woman: And I didn't grow up in the South.
Man: Yeah.

Man: (It's like the) days of the Amish when you just have to memorize phone numbers.

When I'm 65?

Subtlety is not an option.

Girl on bus: Who are you trick-or-treating with?
13-year-old boy: I'm trick-or-treating with GIRLS!
[Later, explaining]
13YOB: It's like a boys' night out, with girls.

Girl: [in a "blonde" accent] Oh my God, you guys, my birthday is like in three days. And like, I'm getting my prom dress from Nebraska, y'know? It's like... like red, and wrinkled but in a stylish way. But I don't know if I can get it, 'cause it's like $200, and, I just don't know, y'guys...

Math class girl: Oh my God, why do you even do any work in here if you have all these games on the calculator.
Math class boy: Because I wanna go to college.
MCG: That's stupid.
MCB: And get a good job.
MCG: You won't.
MCB: Why?
MCG: You don't know how to.
MCB: You're stupid.

Girl in study hall, talking to a friend: I don't understand how this boy could be cute as f%*^ and boring as hell!

A well-written biography will just light up the world for me.

62 Smurfs at the Party on Wednesday

These sound bites were in a draft post from a year ago and somehow never got posted. I think they're still good, so I put them up. Enjoy! -Maria

You see that kid with the mohawk?
Yeah?
His twin sister is the Dark Lord of the Northern Regions!
[hysterical laughter]

Random Kid on Bus: Party on Wednesday! Come on, everybody parties on a Wednesday!

[The previous day...]
Bus driver: [honks horn]
RKoB: Woo! You honk at Tony, Tony honks at you! Woo! Come on Tony, let me out, I'll kick his-

So how many people have called you a Smurf today?
Well, there was... [counts on fingers, muttering about the two people in one class, the four people in English class, etc.] Twelve. Twelve people called me a Smurf today.
You're officially a Smurf.
But you don't have the stupid white hat.
I'll try and get one today and bring it it tomorrow. I'll make one out of newspaper.

6T

Teacher 1: What would I do if I wasn't in the middle of the chaos?
Teacher 2: Seriously!
Teacher 1: I would have nothing fun to do in my life.

Changing Vocal Chords Lad (CVCL): Ew! When I tasted it last time it tasted better.
Girl: Maybe they cut out some sugar.
CVCL: They probably did!

Science teacher: House is crazy. I would like to have a doctor like that. And he has absolutely no people skills. I like that.

CVCL: Excuse me, this is a bus, not a nail salon.

Life sucks. And then you die.

59 Teacherly One-Liners and Escalator Guys...

There's no games in biology!

Geography is not destiny, but geography influences destiny.

I don't speak silence.

Live and learn, or die.

Of course you're gonna play me. That's how we are.

It smells like a preschool. Seriously, smell it!

That's all right, you laugh like a girl. Nothing perjorative, girls.

It's multi-tastic.

Yo, Shrek the Third is my [stuff]!

Anne Hutchinson, she's my favorite!

Jamie doesn't sabe!

I say mathemagical because there are some people who are like, "Where do these crazy mathematicians get these things?"

Your cats are cute. Lemme get one.

It's just a concious thing, like how the hundred-dollar wines taste better.

I hate the library! Librarians scare me!

I can tell what a Porsche is!

That [stuff]'s mad goofball, yo, for real.

The end is coming! How exciting!

You don't smell in science.

No, it was the third day. That's when I realized, "Lady, you need some psychological help."

You look like a young Wesley Snipes. It's a good thing.

I'm more of an escalator guy.

56 Little Lads

Girl: Can I cut your hair?
Guy 1: No! Whenever people cut my hair I either end up looking like Star Wars or the little lad who likes berries and cream.
[later]
Girl: Weren't you paying attention?
Guy 1: I have ADD. Pardon my ADD.

Guy 2: Every time I go on MySpace she's in love with a different person.

Freshman: Ow! You stepped on my football toe!

54 Non-Existent Brain Cells

Guy 1: I don't even have any brain cells.
Guy 2: [affronted] Since when did I have any brain cells?! You knew me in middle school.

Guy: I didn't talk to you!
Girl: You be actin' like a [darn] girl, yo! Can't understand you.

If you can avoid them and all of us, then you deserve to...

53 Dentists Agree...

SCENE: Breakfast time in the "dining room" (a room with those folding tables and chairs in it) of a Best Western motel in northern Vermont. A gaggle of older teenage girls, who are there because of some athletic thing, are talking loudly at the corner table of the room. They don't notice that every single other person in the room is listening in to their amusing (if somewhat airheaded) conversation, for lack of anything else more interesting. One "soccer girl" (hey, they seemed like soccer girls to us) gives us this intelligent-sounding argument on oral hygiene:

SOCCER GIRL: Once when {guy's name} stayed over at my parent's house he forgot his toothbrush, so I was just like whatever, use mine. I'm okay with him using my toothbrush because I make out with him all the time. But if you [motions to friend sitting by, listening attentively] wanted to use my toothbrush, I would be totally grossed out. Because, like, I don't make out with you on a daily basis.

LATER.
It is impossible to tell you who said what in this next section, as there were around seven or eight girls all talking at once, so you'll have to use your imaginations, boys and girls!

Do you like shellfish?
I don't do shellfish.
Yeah, I like clams, but I don't do mussels or oysters.
I LOVE mussels!
What's shellfish?
It's anything that, like, its home is a shell.
Oh.
I love oysters!
Aren't there like, harmful bacteria in oysters?
They're served raw.
You don't like, cook them or anything?
They put some sauce on them, but you just slurp them down.
Can't you, like, drown the oyster?
[Old man over at the next table, who has been reading the newspaper all this time, starts laughing outright, along with everyone else eavesdropping in the room.]
No, they die when they come into the air.
Oh! I was like, how do you drown an oyster?

51 Persperating Spider Monkeys

I'm sweating like a spider monkey over here. [pauses] That made no sense at all, but whatever.

1: Wait, how were people formed?
2: I dunno, from bacteria or something.
1: Ew.
2: [laughs]
1: I just know the Bible version.
2: Yeah, me too.

He did these magic tricks and [stuff], you know, in public.

I share a gym locker with [Girl's Name] and when I got there this morning my clothes were folded.

Gold Anniversary- 50 Posts! That's Freakin' Expensive!

Teacher 1: Are you making fun of vertically challenged people?
Obese Teacher: I'm horizontally challenged!

Girl with camera: I think I'm gonna die. It's showing up in like all my pictures today.

See, I didn't have that liberty, so...

Guy 1: [to Guy 2] You most certainly are a frog.

Girl: [to Guy 2] You're a lady?

Guy 2: I'm a frog lady!

The notes he wants us to take are so bogus it's stupid.

Lemme think, fridge, Sarah... is that right?

No, he gave me a sandwich. He said, "Here"...

...front row seats were only $41. But for this Mayhem concert, lawn tickets are like freakin' $76! That's freakin' expensive!

Girl 1: My dog is amazing and your dog is ugly.

Girl 2: Don't ever say that again.

That's one of the reasons I'm not on YouTube.

1: ...so basically she tricked us.

2: ...go to her funeral?

I can't say you're more than that because the reality is, you're not.

I actually turned off the lights because I was scared!

I've never seen someone look so much like you.

1: Wait, which one's pound?

2: The one that doesn't have the star on it.

And for the grand finale... the epic tale of crowd surfing! I wrote all of this down sitting in front of some guy on a bus. -Maria

I wanted to do it a second time, so I went up to these two big muscular dudes and said, "Hey, can you put me up on the stage?"... [they said]"one, two, three, and you jump." So one dude had one foot and the other guy had the other foot and... one, two, three, and they threw me as hard as they could. I flew over about 20 feet of crowd over the people who were s'posed to catch me, and onto the heads of some, like, unsuspecting people.

47 Peanut M&Ms that don't got no peanuts

I hate the M&M peanuts when they don't got no peanuts in 'em!

This looks severely cool.

It was sooo fun! I was sooo scared but it was sooo much fun! I went with...

Girl: Mister, I was at Cosco yesterday and it was windy and my song blew away.
Person: How did your song blow away?
Girl: It was windy and the words blew away.

But miss, chocolate milk makes me crazy!

Girl 1: He's cute. In a very fierce way.
Girl 2: Fierce!

Girl: [screams]
People in hall: [stare]
Girl: That wasn't me, that was my neighbor!

Girl 1: No one can fix things like Cindy can.
Girl 2: Then tell Cindy to fix it!
Girl 1: I will!
Girl 2: Okay!

Girl 1: I had to babysit until three in the morning once.
Girl 2: When did you start?
Girl 1: At like six. I fell asleep on the couch.
[...later in the conversation...]
Girl 1: I raided the fridge and everrything. I always eat their food. They have like this giant candy drawer.

[I know we rarely credit sound bites to their sources, but this one I just had to name.]
Pat Buchanan: [stating the obvious on a news show] The winner, if he does not win, loses!

Okay, um, just tell me how to get into the garage.

THAT'S a boy! EW!

Guy talking to another guy who is halfway down the hallway: I got a zero out of 36... no, I got a zero out of 46... either way, it's still a zero.

[SCENE: two boys are heading to go down a staircase]
Boy 1: She's innocent!
Boy 2: No, she's not!
Boy 1: She wasn't laughing!
Boy 2: That's just the way she is!
[...audio momentarily lost...]
Boy 2: She gotta stop playing innocent!
[...audio lost again...]
Boy 1: Yes she is!
Boy 2: No she isn't!
[This continues until they are out of earshot.]

WGNX 46 Features news, weather, sports, community events, and contests.

Tollbooth Worker on her phone: ...just slow down and don't smoke as much!

Oh, dear God, worst situation EVER!

Guy: She's gonna pick me up and she's gonna drop me off and I'm rapping all the way down the hallway, y'all!

Girl, speaking earnestly: My stomach was hurting so bad so my mom eliminated soy from my diet.

Guy trying to sound smart: That's a bit of an oxymoron. Kind of...

Girl, listening to a song: I wish I knew what she was saying! I would be singing this song every day! Argh! It makes me so mad!

Security Guard talking to some boys in the hallway: You don't need that no more. It's all about reputation, you know what I'm sayin'?

OOH! Hand cramp, yo!

Girl 1: ...you smell like opium.
Girl 2: She said that to her FRIEND?!

44 is a Happy Number

Woman talking on cell phone: They should do a reality show on your life. [pause] It would be entitled, "It doesn't have to be this way."

The following sound bite was overheard by the Blogger user "a thinker". -Maria
Guy one (behind us) - How do you reckon people developed number systems. 'Cause I really like the number 3, so I'm trying to find the origin of numbers and letters.
Guy two - Well, the number three is obviously just a "W" in disguise.

Year A.D. 43 Started on a Tuesday!

Girl, talking on cell phone: Do you have tweezers at your house? [listens] 'Cause I gotta pluck my eyebrows!


Boy: [sings] All my friends say of course it's gonna get better.
Girl: Oh my god! That song was stuck in my head when I was walking away.


Girl: Who fails all their tests? [Her name] does!

Girl 1: ...Scotch tape.
Girl 2: Scotch tape?
Girl 3: Why would you use that?
Girl 1: My boyfriend...

Guy 1: Do you want to go to the library?
Guy 2: I don't wanna go to the library 'cause we have to be quiet and I don't feel like being quiet.

Guy, pointing out places on girl's face: ... patch of redness here, a patch of redness here, and a patch of redness here.

Girl: She's smart, she's just not a good teacher!
Teacher: I thought you liked her! Oh! Then I'm not going to be in on your running joke on her!

Student 1: How did you do?
Student 2: Awesome! It was the easiest test of life!

FORTY-TWO SECONDS are better than first helpings. havent you heard?

"SO THEN I SAID THATS MY POODLE THATS MY LITTLE SISTER"


Girl one: "Why are you on the floor asleep?"
Girl Dos: "So Martin Luther's wife will not be offended"

"Latin reminds me of harry potter. NOX. FACIO. right?!"
"yes then later you could have carpe diem, harry potter tatooed on your pelvis later."


"I SAID I WANT BRUNCH. GOD #@%$@!"


"I can't eat seeds."

41 People Not At All Trying to Look Fresh

The following sound bites were overheard on two different days with the same people talking. -Maria

Girl 1: It looks like you tried to look fresh today.
Girl 2: No, not at all.

Girl 1 [to friends]: Ew, that sucks!
Girl 2: You know, she heard you.
Girl 1: Sorry, miss. It's not you; it's your class.
Teacher: That's okay; I don't take anything personal.
Girl 1 [to friends]: She knows I love this class.