71 Startling New Updates

Yeah, everyone's evil these days.

You make me want to go--again.

I tend to like books where the main character has insomnia. Mark of genius.

Girl 1: Guess what? I have a startling new update!
Girl 2: On our drama?
Girl 1: Yeah! Guess what I think her name is?

Let's go! ...We're totally opposite right now.

Guy: I like [Name]. He's cool.
Girl: Yeah, he's cool. He's funny. He reminds me of a banana.

Girl: I swear, old people get on my last nerve!
Unrelated person: Liar! Liar! Liar!

You don't swear in front of short people.

They're actually better-looking in person.

1: Why are you gonna drink coffee?
2: 'Cause it seems like a good idea.
1: [laughs]

70 Things that are more important than you

I have places to be and naps to take.

Sophomore year is so dramatizing.

It smells like delicious somethings. I'd like some.

When I'm 65?

Subtlety is not an option.

Girl on bus: Who are you trick-or-treating with?
13-year-old boy: I'm trick-or-treating with GIRLS!
[Later, explaining]
13YOB: It's like a boys' night out, with girls.

Girl: [in a "blonde" accent] Oh my God, you guys, my birthday is like in three days. And like, I'm getting my prom dress from Nebraska, y'know? It's like... like red, and wrinkled but in a stylish way. But I don't know if I can get it, 'cause it's like $200, and, I just don't know, y'guys...

Math class girl: Oh my God, why do you even do any work in here if you have all these games on the calculator.
Math class boy: Because I wanna go to college.
MCG: That's stupid.
MCB: And get a good job.
MCG: You won't.
MCB: Why?
MCG: You don't know how to.
MCB: You're stupid.

Girl in study hall, talking to a friend: I don't understand how this boy could be cute as f%*^ and boring as hell!

A well-written biography will just light up the world for me.

The square root of 64 is eight...

Guy 1: Do you know the etymology of that word?
Guy 2: What's that?
Guy 1: It's like, why that word became.

It's almost time! I'm almost out of chocolate!

1: ...No?
2: He said it was too big.

1: Do you realize what you're losing?
2: ...superintendent of schools don't care... do away with the position.

Dyed Blonde Girl: So I have [name] sleeping over at my house tonight. You could come over then, but I dunno if you'd want to...

62 Smurfs at the Party on Wednesday

These sound bites were in a draft post from a year ago and somehow never got posted. I think they're still good, so I put them up. Enjoy! -Maria

You see that kid with the mohawk?
Yeah?
His twin sister is the Dark Lord of the Northern Regions!
[hysterical laughter]

Random Kid on Bus: Party on Wednesday! Come on, everybody parties on a Wednesday!

[The previous day...]
Bus driver: [honks horn]
RKoB: Woo! You honk at Tony, Tony honks at you! Woo! Come on Tony, let me out, I'll kick his-

So how many people have called you a Smurf today?
Well, there was... [counts on fingers, muttering about the two people in one class, the four people in English class, etc.] Twelve. Twelve people called me a Smurf today.
You're officially a Smurf.
But you don't have the stupid white hat.
I'll try and get one today and bring it it tomorrow. I'll make one out of newspaper.

61 Possible Relatives

Guy 1: Am I related to you?
Guy 2: Yeah, you probably is; you just don't know it!

Changing Vocal Cords Lad: Shut up! It's not greed, it's hunger!

Senior Guy: Hey everyone, Toga Tuesday! Everyone wear a toga on Tuesday. See if they take it off us all.

Girl: We learned that in like sixth grade.
CVCL: Do you honestly think I remember that, with my bad memory and short attention span?

6T

Teacher 1: What would I do if I wasn't in the middle of the chaos?
Teacher 2: Seriously!
Teacher 1: I would have nothing fun to do in my life.

Changing Vocal Chords Lad (CVCL): Ew! When I tasted it last time it tasted better.
Girl: Maybe they cut out some sugar.
CVCL: They probably did!

Science teacher: House is crazy. I would like to have a doctor like that. And he has absolutely no people skills. I like that.

CVCL: Excuse me, this is a bus, not a nail salon.

Life sucks. And then you die.

59 Teacherly One-Liners and Escalator Guys...

There's no games in biology!

Geography is not destiny, but geography influences destiny.

I don't speak silence.

Live and learn, or die.

Of course you're gonna play me. That's how we are.

It smells like a preschool. Seriously, smell it!

That's all right, you laugh like a girl. Nothing perjorative, girls.

It's multi-tastic.

Yo, Shrek the Third is my [stuff]!

Anne Hutchinson, she's my favorite!

Jamie doesn't sabe!

I say mathemagical because there are some people who are like, "Where do these crazy mathematicians get these things?"

Your cats are cute. Lemme get one.

It's just a concious thing, like how the hundred-dollar wines taste better.

I hate the library! Librarians scare me!

I can tell what a Porsche is!

That [stuff]'s mad goofball, yo, for real.

The end is coming! How exciting!

You don't smell in science.

No, it was the third day. That's when I realized, "Lady, you need some psychological help."

You look like a young Wesley Snipes. It's a good thing.

I'm more of an escalator guy.

58th Anniversary of Friendship

It makes me sick. And I don't like being sick.

I like hangin' out with good people once in a while. I'm always hangin' around with knuckleheads!

Girl, discussing life: I don't care how it began; I don't plan to be here when it ends!

Guy: Throwing a kitten never felt so good!

Girl 1: ...and then we have to go out to dinner because it's our first anniversary of friendship.
Girl 2: [inaudible insult]
Boy: ...I was about to say that, but I'm being polite today.
[later]
Boy: So, if it's your second anniversary of friendship you have to make two cupcakes, and if it's your third anniversary of friendship, you need to make two cupcakes, a cookie, and another cupcake?

56 Little Lads

Girl: Can I cut your hair?
Guy 1: No! Whenever people cut my hair I either end up looking like Star Wars or the little lad who likes berries and cream.
[later]
Girl: Weren't you paying attention?
Guy 1: I have ADD. Pardon my ADD.

Guy 2: Every time I go on MySpace she's in love with a different person.

Freshman: Ow! You stepped on my football toe!

54 Non-Existent Brain Cells

Guy 1: I don't even have any brain cells.
Guy 2: [affronted] Since when did I have any brain cells?! You knew me in middle school.

Guy: I didn't talk to you!
Girl: You be actin' like a [darn] girl, yo! Can't understand you.

If you can avoid them and all of us, then you deserve to...

51 Persperating Spider Monkeys

I'm sweating like a spider monkey over here. [pauses] That made no sense at all, but whatever.

1: Wait, how were people formed?
2: I dunno, from bacteria or something.
1: Ew.
2: [laughs]
1: I just know the Bible version.
2: Yeah, me too.

He did these magic tricks and [stuff], you know, in public.

I share a gym locker with [Girl's Name] and when I got there this morning my clothes were folded.

Gold Anniversary- 50 Posts! That's Freakin' Expensive!

Teacher 1: Are you making fun of vertically challenged people?
Obese Teacher: I'm horizontally challenged!

Girl with camera: I think I'm gonna die. It's showing up in like all my pictures today.

See, I didn't have that liberty, so...

Guy 1: [to Guy 2] You most certainly are a frog.

Girl: [to Guy 2] You're a lady?

Guy 2: I'm a frog lady!

The notes he wants us to take are so bogus it's stupid.

Lemme think, fridge, Sarah... is that right?

No, he gave me a sandwich. He said, "Here"...

...front row seats were only $41. But for this Mayhem concert, lawn tickets are like freakin' $76! That's freakin' expensive!

Girl 1: My dog is amazing and your dog is ugly.

Girl 2: Don't ever say that again.

That's one of the reasons I'm not on YouTube.

1: ...so basically she tricked us.

2: ...go to her funeral?

I can't say you're more than that because the reality is, you're not.

I actually turned off the lights because I was scared!

I've never seen someone look so much like you.

1: Wait, which one's pound?

2: The one that doesn't have the star on it.

And for the grand finale... the epic tale of crowd surfing! I wrote all of this down sitting in front of some guy on a bus. -Maria

I wanted to do it a second time, so I went up to these two big muscular dudes and said, "Hey, can you put me up on the stage?"... [they said]"one, two, three, and you jump." So one dude had one foot and the other guy had the other foot and... one, two, three, and they threw me as hard as they could. I flew over about 20 feet of crowd over the people who were s'posed to catch me, and onto the heads of some, like, unsuspecting people.

47 Peanut M&Ms that don't got no peanuts

I hate the M&M peanuts when they don't got no peanuts in 'em!

This looks severely cool.

It was sooo fun! I was sooo scared but it was sooo much fun! I went with...

Girl: Mister, I was at Cosco yesterday and it was windy and my song blew away.
Person: How did your song blow away?
Girl: It was windy and the words blew away.

But miss, chocolate milk makes me crazy!

Girl 1: He's cute. In a very fierce way.
Girl 2: Fierce!

Girl: [screams]
People in hall: [stare]
Girl: That wasn't me, that was my neighbor!

Girl 1: No one can fix things like Cindy can.
Girl 2: Then tell Cindy to fix it!
Girl 1: I will!
Girl 2: Okay!

Girl 1: I had to babysit until three in the morning once.
Girl 2: When did you start?
Girl 1: At like six. I fell asleep on the couch.
[...later in the conversation...]
Girl 1: I raided the fridge and everrything. I always eat their food. They have like this giant candy drawer.

[I know we rarely credit sound bites to their sources, but this one I just had to name.]
Pat Buchanan: [stating the obvious on a news show] The winner, if he does not win, loses!

Okay, um, just tell me how to get into the garage.

THAT'S a boy! EW!

Guy talking to another guy who is halfway down the hallway: I got a zero out of 36... no, I got a zero out of 46... either way, it's still a zero.

[SCENE: two boys are heading to go down a staircase]
Boy 1: She's innocent!
Boy 2: No, she's not!
Boy 1: She wasn't laughing!
Boy 2: That's just the way she is!
[...audio momentarily lost...]
Boy 2: She gotta stop playing innocent!
[...audio lost again...]
Boy 1: Yes she is!
Boy 2: No she isn't!
[This continues until they are out of earshot.]

WGNX 46 Features news, weather, sports, community events, and contests.

Tollbooth Worker on her phone: ...just slow down and don't smoke as much!

Oh, dear God, worst situation EVER!

Guy: She's gonna pick me up and she's gonna drop me off and I'm rapping all the way down the hallway, y'all!

Girl, speaking earnestly: My stomach was hurting so bad so my mom eliminated soy from my diet.

Guy trying to sound smart: That's a bit of an oxymoron. Kind of...

Girl, listening to a song: I wish I knew what she was saying! I would be singing this song every day! Argh! It makes me so mad!

Security Guard talking to some boys in the hallway: You don't need that no more. It's all about reputation, you know what I'm sayin'?

OOH! Hand cramp, yo!

Girl 1: ...you smell like opium.
Girl 2: She said that to her FRIEND?!

Year A.D. 43 Started on a Tuesday!

Girl, talking on cell phone: Do you have tweezers at your house? [listens] 'Cause I gotta pluck my eyebrows!


Boy: [sings] All my friends say of course it's gonna get better.
Girl: Oh my god! That song was stuck in my head when I was walking away.


Girl: Who fails all their tests? [Her name] does!

Girl 1: ...Scotch tape.
Girl 2: Scotch tape?
Girl 3: Why would you use that?
Girl 1: My boyfriend...

Guy 1: Do you want to go to the library?
Guy 2: I don't wanna go to the library 'cause we have to be quiet and I don't feel like being quiet.

Guy, pointing out places on girl's face: ... patch of redness here, a patch of redness here, and a patch of redness here.

Girl: She's smart, she's just not a good teacher!
Teacher: I thought you liked her! Oh! Then I'm not going to be in on your running joke on her!

Student 1: How did you do?
Student 2: Awesome! It was the easiest test of life!

39 Angry People

You cough on me, I'm'a cough right back on you, man!

[Spanish teacher on a rant] If you act like a two-year-old, you will get a two-year-old paycheck which is an F.

[guy looking at something- a camera, I think- with his friend] ...this is the one who said she liked my dad; this is the one...

[after gym class] I feel like an old man.

Price of dog:$38. Its ability to eat lightbulbs: Priceless.

So I'm guessing you won't be wanting this peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

I swear, if her mom wasn't like my best friend, I wouldn't be friends with her!

Every time I go to [town name], I run over a rabbit... I go over a bump and I'm like (makes sad face).

Katelyn, that was you laughing? I thought that was a dog barking!

Exasperated Boy, observing two people horsing around loudly: Can you kill each other in silence? Can you turn it down to foghorn level?!
One of the two girls horsing around: You don't have to yell!

Peppy Girl: I'm really stoked!
Girl happening to walk by: Should I go get my fleece?
GHTWB's friend: Yeah.
GHTWB: Yeah, let's go.

Yo, every day we come in with a different story!

Are you going to get a tattoo when you're older?

Regain control of your limbs, man!

Wait, your little dog or your big one?
The little one.
Wait, the little one? But your little one's like this big! {holds fingers apart about three inches} How could it possibly eat a light bulb?

36 Unwanted Llamas

Oh, no! It ain't the cheesy kind, is it?

Guy in high school lobby: Make way for the king, ladies and gentlemen! And I don't mean me, I mean Chuck Norris!

Yo, I just got a big bag of Mentos. I'm unstoppable!... pretty much. For now.

[hysterical laughter throughout] How do you tap-dance and feed a llama at the same time? [later] How do you tell a llama you don't like him anymore? "I don't like llamas anymore!" [hysterical shrieks]

[Two girls discussing a school project]
1: You can't take care of a baby! You can't even take care of yourself!
2: That's mean! That's mean!
1: No, it's not!
2: I could too!
1: [skeptically] Okay...

Person 1: It's my favorite book cover in the world!
Person 2: Obviously you have no life if you have a favorite book cover.
Person 1: You can write on it!

Why, what color is your house?
I don't know, everyone says it's brown but I think it's blue.

Kid, pointing to confetti: Mom, look! A napkin! Mom, look! A napkin!
Mom: Oh my gravy!

34th of November

Dude shouting at other dude, eventually getting his attention: Hammer! Hammer! Hammer! Bring your guitar!

If they had cameras in there, I would've been arrested a long time ago.

Guy 1: Dude! I haven't seen you in like friggin' forever!
Guy 2: I was just saying that!
Guy 1: I love you, man.
Guy 2: Is that a new haircut?
Guy 1: Yeah.
Guy 2: Looks fresh.