86 Medium Lies

Girl on phone: If you honestly think she cooks, that's a lie.

Girl: He's not ugly. He's in the middle.

Female voice over bus radio system: When the light changes, you go, okay?

Mother, with sneezing daughter: [daughter sneezes] God bless. [daughter sneezes] God bless. [daughter sneezes] God bless. [daughter sneezes] Okay enough.

[This next one was really cute at the time. Not sure how well it translates to just text. --Maria]

Mom: Mommy's not looking for that kind of shoe, sweetie. Mommy's looking for black flats. A black, flat kind of shoe.

Little girl: What about this one? It's black, and it's flat!

Girl: I can foil like nobody's business.

Female restaurant patron: You had a lot of girls who were interested in you in the northeast. [laughing] And then you married the Wrong Girl.

Girl in breakfast line: Orange juice is like the water of breakfast. You would die without it.

Girl: Ohmygod I'm sweating from laughing so hard!

1: Trumpet. What are you?

2: [inaudible]

1: Well, not You you.

79 Shutdowns

Girl 1: [shouting] Get a room!

Girl 2: They won't be lovers when they go to night school together.

Guy: I can pretty much smell when it's Sunday. Every Sunday, it just smells like Sunday.

If in doubt, just hold hands and scream.

I'm the worst thing that ever happened to me. I always get in the way of things.

Girl: Like, I think even I looked stupid that night.

Not only do I get a pleasure from it, it's distracting me from my work!

Overbearing Mother: Well if you don't like anything there's no point in staring at these shoes!

It's like, You can't think of a lie that Doesn't cost money?

71 Startling New Updates

Yeah, everyone's evil these days.

You make me want to go--again.

I tend to like books where the main character has insomnia. Mark of genius.

Girl 1: Guess what? I have a startling new update!
Girl 2: On our drama?
Girl 1: Yeah! Guess what I think her name is?

Let's go! ...We're totally opposite right now.

Guy: I like [Name]. He's cool.
Girl: Yeah, he's cool. He's funny. He reminds me of a banana.

Girl: I swear, old people get on my last nerve!
Unrelated person: Liar! Liar! Liar!

You don't swear in front of short people.

They're actually better-looking in person.

1: Why are you gonna drink coffee?
2: 'Cause it seems like a good idea.
1: [laughs]