71 Startling New Updates

Yeah, everyone's evil these days.

You make me want to go--again.

I tend to like books where the main character has insomnia. Mark of genius.

Girl 1: Guess what? I have a startling new update!
Girl 2: On our drama?
Girl 1: Yeah! Guess what I think her name is?

Let's go! ...We're totally opposite right now.

Guy: I like [Name]. He's cool.
Girl: Yeah, he's cool. He's funny. He reminds me of a banana.

Girl: I swear, old people get on my last nerve!
Unrelated person: Liar! Liar! Liar!

You don't swear in front of short people.

They're actually better-looking in person.

1: Why are you gonna drink coffee?
2: 'Cause it seems like a good idea.
1: [laughs]

When I'm 65?

Subtlety is not an option.

Girl on bus: Who are you trick-or-treating with?
13-year-old boy: I'm trick-or-treating with GIRLS!
[Later, explaining]
13YOB: It's like a boys' night out, with girls.

Girl: [in a "blonde" accent] Oh my God, you guys, my birthday is like in three days. And like, I'm getting my prom dress from Nebraska, y'know? It's like... like red, and wrinkled but in a stylish way. But I don't know if I can get it, 'cause it's like $200, and, I just don't know, y'guys...

Math class girl: Oh my God, why do you even do any work in here if you have all these games on the calculator.
Math class boy: Because I wanna go to college.
MCG: That's stupid.
MCB: And get a good job.
MCG: You won't.
MCB: Why?
MCG: You don't know how to.
MCB: You're stupid.

Girl in study hall, talking to a friend: I don't understand how this boy could be cute as f%*^ and boring as hell!

A well-written biography will just light up the world for me.

The square root of 64 is eight...

Guy 1: Do you know the etymology of that word?
Guy 2: What's that?
Guy 1: It's like, why that word became.

It's almost time! I'm almost out of chocolate!

1: ...No?
2: He said it was too big.

1: Do you realize what you're losing?
2: ...superintendent of schools don't care... do away with the position.

Dyed Blonde Girl: So I have [name] sleeping over at my house tonight. You could come over then, but I dunno if you'd want to...

59 Teacherly One-Liners and Escalator Guys...

There's no games in biology!

Geography is not destiny, but geography influences destiny.

I don't speak silence.

Live and learn, or die.

Of course you're gonna play me. That's how we are.

It smells like a preschool. Seriously, smell it!

That's all right, you laugh like a girl. Nothing perjorative, girls.

It's multi-tastic.

Yo, Shrek the Third is my [stuff]!

Anne Hutchinson, she's my favorite!

Jamie doesn't sabe!

I say mathemagical because there are some people who are like, "Where do these crazy mathematicians get these things?"

Your cats are cute. Lemme get one.

It's just a concious thing, like how the hundred-dollar wines taste better.

I hate the library! Librarians scare me!

I can tell what a Porsche is!

That [stuff]'s mad goofball, yo, for real.

The end is coming! How exciting!

You don't smell in science.

No, it was the third day. That's when I realized, "Lady, you need some psychological help."

You look like a young Wesley Snipes. It's a good thing.

I'm more of an escalator guy.

47 Peanut M&Ms that don't got no peanuts

I hate the M&M peanuts when they don't got no peanuts in 'em!

This looks severely cool.

It was sooo fun! I was sooo scared but it was sooo much fun! I went with...

Girl: Mister, I was at Cosco yesterday and it was windy and my song blew away.
Person: How did your song blow away?
Girl: It was windy and the words blew away.

But miss, chocolate milk makes me crazy!

Girl 1: He's cute. In a very fierce way.
Girl 2: Fierce!

Girl: [screams]
People in hall: [stare]
Girl: That wasn't me, that was my neighbor!

Girl 1: No one can fix things like Cindy can.
Girl 2: Then tell Cindy to fix it!
Girl 1: I will!
Girl 2: Okay!

Girl 1: I had to babysit until three in the morning once.
Girl 2: When did you start?
Girl 1: At like six. I fell asleep on the couch.
[...later in the conversation...]
Girl 1: I raided the fridge and everrything. I always eat their food. They have like this giant candy drawer.

[I know we rarely credit sound bites to their sources, but this one I just had to name.]
Pat Buchanan: [stating the obvious on a news show] The winner, if he does not win, loses!

Okay, um, just tell me how to get into the garage.

THAT'S a boy! EW!

Guy talking to another guy who is halfway down the hallway: I got a zero out of 36... no, I got a zero out of 46... either way, it's still a zero.

[SCENE: two boys are heading to go down a staircase]
Boy 1: She's innocent!
Boy 2: No, she's not!
Boy 1: She wasn't laughing!
Boy 2: That's just the way she is!
[...audio momentarily lost...]
Boy 2: She gotta stop playing innocent!
[...audio lost again...]
Boy 1: Yes she is!
Boy 2: No she isn't!
[This continues until they are out of earshot.]

Number 45, CMT Style

"Let's see how many people interrupt us."
"Put that down."
"How YOU Doing?"
"That, too."

"Focus on your visual concentration."
"I'll add specific details."
"You have to sort of fill it in here."
"So, put in some quotes?"
"Don't ask me."
"She says the same."
"She's a smart student."
"This is fine, can we make this..."
"Change it from a hypothetical to an actual example."

[For those who don't know, the CMT is a standardized test administered to Connecticut students from grades 3-8.]

Year A.D. 43 Started on a Tuesday!

Girl, talking on cell phone: Do you have tweezers at your house? [listens] 'Cause I gotta pluck my eyebrows!


Boy: [sings] All my friends say of course it's gonna get better.
Girl: Oh my god! That song was stuck in my head when I was walking away.


Girl: Who fails all their tests? [Her name] does!

Girl 1: ...Scotch tape.
Girl 2: Scotch tape?
Girl 3: Why would you use that?
Girl 1: My boyfriend...

Guy 1: Do you want to go to the library?
Guy 2: I don't wanna go to the library 'cause we have to be quiet and I don't feel like being quiet.

Guy, pointing out places on girl's face: ... patch of redness here, a patch of redness here, and a patch of redness here.

Girl: She's smart, she's just not a good teacher!
Teacher: I thought you liked her! Oh! Then I'm not going to be in on your running joke on her!

Student 1: How did you do?
Student 2: Awesome! It was the easiest test of life!

41 People Not At All Trying to Look Fresh

The following sound bites were overheard on two different days with the same people talking. -Maria

Girl 1: It looks like you tried to look fresh today.
Girl 2: No, not at all.

Girl 1 [to friends]: Ew, that sucks!
Girl 2: You know, she heard you.
Girl 1: Sorry, miss. It's not you; it's your class.
Teacher: That's okay; I don't take anything personal.
Girl 1 [to friends]: She knows I love this class.

39 Angry People

You cough on me, I'm'a cough right back on you, man!

[Spanish teacher on a rant] If you act like a two-year-old, you will get a two-year-old paycheck which is an F.

[guy looking at something- a camera, I think- with his friend] ...this is the one who said she liked my dad; this is the one...

[after gym class] I feel like an old man.

33, ya know what I'm sayin'?

Girl muttering angrily to her friend: [Her own high school's name], Home of the FAKES.

I think I'll just stay here. For the rest of the day, forever.

They can't kick you out the day of the play!

She called me her lamb chop.

..."So you knew about it?" and I was like, "Yeah," and he was like, "Why didn't you tell me? I saw you today," and I was like, "I dunno!"

Miss, I just don't like hair.

Leap Year: February Days

...find something random to do that's off topic.

It's not going to work. We're not doctors.

No, we're meeting at the college!

They had her on some sort of experimental medication. It detached the cartilage from her nose...

1st voice: Hey you! You with the hair!
[Silence.]
1st voice: Hey you with the hair!
2nd voice: [giggles] I know, right? That's a real good description. Everybody has hair!
1st voice: Hey Steven!

[teacher talking to himself] You're out of the loop, that's all.

[noise of disgust] I shoulda dumped it on her head!

...type in "meat" and turn to page 5. [Pause.] Hey, why's everybody [looking at me]?

I still can't believe you guys hid in my room, out of all places in my house.

All your blood goes to your stomach, which raises your blood pressure.

Days in February

You're dumb but gifted.

You ask the dumbest questions alive.

Make sure it's hot, 'cause I can't eat nothin' cold.

I refuse to get braces. I already had all my teeth fall out.

I hate the smell of refridgerated food. It's like... ew, cold food!

21 (BLACKJACK!)

Ha... you smell like bacon.
Ha... you smell like cheese.

It's a boy... wearing pink... in the sunshine... and he's emo?!

Why'd you take my crackers?! You buggin'! There's like ten minutes left and you're gonna take my crackers? I stopped eating them when you told me to.
Put them away.
This is away- where the [heck] you want me to put them- in my bag where they're all gonna fall out?!

20/20 Vision

Do you think this looks good?
That looks so flattering, I can't even begin to tell you!

You just have to watch what you're saying around her...
{Pause while person on the other end is talking}
She'll be nice in your face, but don't tell her something that you don't want everyone to know.

He's getting really creepy...
{Pause}
I just want to be friends with him. I don't want to be more than friends with any of those characters!

Girl: They were like the cutest shoes I had ever seen in my entire LIFE! But when I tried them on, they were like two sizes too small. And that was the only size they had!
Friend: *makes sympathetic moaning noises* Don't you hate when they have the wrong sizes?
Girl: Yeah, it's so hard to find things sometimes!

Peppy Girl 1: Guess what happened to me this morning?
Peppy Girl 2: What?
PG1: I tripped down the staircase!
PG2: (runs over to hug PG1) I'm so proud of you!

Boy in Math Class: *hits head on TV* OW! Someone should really turn that off.

Woman, to friend: I almost got into a fight with someone in the parking lot!
Passerby, muttering under their breath: Good for you.

I was in a game and I got in trouble for not putting in my mouthguard. I got yelled at.
Who yelled at you?
The lady!
*blank stare*
You know, the lady in the yellow shirt.
The ref?
Oh yeah, the ref!

Aah, I see a victory!

You took my "Happy Wednesday" paper!

Teacher: [Girl's name]. Stop. That's disgusting.
Girl: But we're talking about toes!
Teacher: You have a foot fetish.
Girl: [Boy name] has a foot fetish.
Girl 2: I love feet...

Next year {for Halloween}, I'm gonna be something from Greek mythology.

But we always party on Fridays!

He has the same facial expression every time I see him.

Old school Power Rangers! Now THAT'S the {stuff} right there!
Yeah, none of this new {stuff}!

Yes, I was born in {area of China}, and my son was born here.
*shocked* Mom, I thought you said I was born in New Jersey!

Do you do restaurants?
No, I'll do a movie or a play, but I don't eat. When I eat a lot, I want to go to sleep. And we all have reputations to maintain!

Sour cream is sogood!
(Yes, dear reader, I intened for that to be one word.)

But I don't WAnna die!
(Note: When reading this out loud, you must make your voice high, squeaky, and cracked on the word wanna.)

I lived in the same apartment building as John Lennon and Yoko Ono, for the same amount of years, by the way, and I was fortunate enough to share a wall with John Lennon. One of the walls in my apartment was the back wall of his music studio, and I used to hear this: *opening chords of "Imagine"*

19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19

Why are they building so many banks around here? It's not like anyone has any more money.

...and I hid behind his desk and jumped out and I said "they're after my gnome!"

Get out of my hallway!
It's not your hallway.
This is my hallway, you're just passing through.

She said you could do it that way, and yet-

It's not polite to punch or hit your guests.

Seize (the French number 16, people!)

Did you have Mrs. [name deleted]? I'm supposed to go up to random people and ask what they thought of her (for homework).
She's the best teacher in the school. Like, when people do bad in her class, they come back and apologize.
Wow.
Yeah, it's that kind of class. She's literally like the best teacher in the school. {more of conversation, to the effect of "she's really nice"} If you fail her class, you're a loser.
{Sometime later} I'm just in band for the competitions.
Oh, so you like beating people?
(nodding) Basically.

[Random Boy at Back of School Bus] Party at my house on Tuesday!
[Bus Driver] Party on Tuesday?
[Boy]: Everybody parties on Tuesday!

[boy 1] I had a dream about you last night.
[boy 2] Ew, why did you have a dream about him?
[teacher] Why don't you draw me a picture of it?
{Later into study hall}
[boy 1] Mr. [name deleted], I drew the picture.
{General laughing, sighing, groaning, etc.}
[boy 1] I'm the one with the muscles, and you're the one with the bald head.
[teacher] Why are you wearing a skirt?
[boy 2 and company] AH HA HA HA HA HA!
[boy 1] No, it's SHORTS! I just messed up-
[teacher] Oh, it's a skort.

It appears that whatever we wish for will come true!