81 feats of amazing strength and tonsorial skill

I could lift you with one eye tied behind my back.

I'm about to go spray some Fabulous in someone's face... It wouldn't be so fabulous, would it....

Guy with mohawk ponytail: I'm actually gonna shave the top of it, but I'm gonna rat-tail it and dread the rest of it.

80 Child-Proofed Lollipops

Girl: He can't just dance. He has to have it choreographed for him.

Girl, failing at opening candy wrapper: Are these child-proofed?

Parent: It's like, kids, wait 'til you're older and you have more things to carry.

Why don't they just serve everyone corn and get it over with?

Guy: Hello?! It's my tongue. I want to keep it in my mouth.

Boy staring at a cracker: That's disgusting... He licked it and.... That's disgusting.... (eats cracker)

Chatty art class student: My dad tears whenever I pluck his eyebrows. They are so long they go all the way into his eyes!

Person with British accent: Shall i drop it like it's hot?

79 Shutdowns

Girl 1: [shouting] Get a room!

Girl 2: They won't be lovers when they go to night school together.

Guy: I can pretty much smell when it's Sunday. Every Sunday, it just smells like Sunday.

If in doubt, just hold hands and scream.

I'm the worst thing that ever happened to me. I always get in the way of things.

Girl: Like, I think even I looked stupid that night.

Not only do I get a pleasure from it, it's distracting me from my work!

Overbearing Mother: Well if you don't like anything there's no point in staring at these shoes!

It's like, You can't think of a lie that Doesn't cost money?

78 Not-so-subtle subtleties

Is that what you call tact? You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.

I'm looking for somebody but I dunno who.

Music Teacher: Was that hard?

Girl 1: Yeah! Everything looks the same when you're hungry! Everything looks like Do.

Girl 2: That was a corny joke.

Girl 1: I'm serious!

Girl: ...all you had to do was keep your mouth shut. Can you imagine? [audio lost] And there were like twenty suicides.

Girl: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!

77 Words of advice that come but too late

Thanks, respectively, to Mom and Tony. --Maria

Sullen employee regarding unsatisfactory break room conditions: Ain't got no more juice down there. Gotta wash that cheese down with spit.

NO, JOHN! DO NOT SHOOT THE BAZOOKA AT THE GIANT MOSQUITO IN THE HOUSE!

76 Trombones & Whiskey

Woman speaking loudly into a phone to be heard: Listen, Ma, remember? The mailman used to keep a bottle of whiskey in the green mailbox. ...wha? No, Ma, when I was little."

Person 1: We're back!
Person 2: You left??

Woman (in April): I got so drunk that the bouncer... The bouncer had to carry me out on his shoulder, dropped me on top of my car, and left me there. I used to drink a lot, because you know Blueberry....

Person 1: I'm not trying to make it weird, it's just that you're not blonde.
Person 2: Do I look blonde?
Person 1: No...

75 Reasons to never, ever be hard of hearing

This soundbite was contributed by Larry Tusunami, a good friend. Larry provides background for this story: He was in a radiology facility and in the next room, an elderly woman was receiving an explanation of things she had to do after her x-ray. However, she was hard of hearing, so it was necessary for the explainers to raise their voices considerably. --Maria

Woman, speaking quite loudly: REMEMBER, YOUR URINE IS RADIOACTIVE. WHEN YOU URINATE, DO NOT GET ANY ON YOURSELF, OR ELSE THE TEST WILL COME UP POSITIVE, BUT IT'LL BE FALSE.
ALSO, YOU'RE RADIOACTIVE. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GO NEAR ANY PREGNANT WOMEN OR INFANTS.

74 Dead playwrights who must find another bathroom location

Girl: P.S., the cupcakes I made...

Girl: Shakespeare, don't pee on anything!

Kid: My dad has to wear high heels...

Guy: How did that happen?
Girl, on her phone: They're in a jail.

(7) 3 Norwegian bachelors carrying the damn pizzas

Old man bloviating in restaurant on Cape Cod (OMBIROCC): The only people who qualified [for Medicare] were three Norwegian bachelors in North Dakota, and suddenly eighty million people...

Derisive Woman in CVS: ...then you break your wrist wrestling?! That doesn't make any sense!

OMBIROCC: If you pay for it, they will eat it!

Man to Woman, in CVS (confidentially): Part of this is his willingness to do that in front of everybody...the kids...total disregard...

OMBIROCC: They had taken every single thing [from the silverware drawer] upstairs, (dramatic pause), and cleaned it! [said in a manner to convey the shockingness of the aforementioned action]

Girl: You drank garlic with orange juice in it?
Guy: Yeah...orange juice with garlic in it. Other way around.

Woman on a Phone: Are ya, are ya kidding? They were s'posed to use a dustless machine...oh really?

Hassled Woman (Who Might Be Named Debbie) To Her Elderly Mother: If you're going to make me drive the car up, just give me the damn pizzas!

Boy 1: You stepped on a perfectly nice sandcastle!
Boy 2: You stepped on a perfectly nice person!

72

What? Forgot to pay the gravity bill?

Boy 1: What did you have for breakfast?
Boy 2: You know, chips, pancakes, waffles, some mouthwash, the usual.

I got, like, an F in 3D!

Man: ...but only if it's soured rubber!
Woman: It is!

Woman on Metro-North: And I said, "Chris, I'm gonna come to your house for all my grocery needs!" [chuckle]

Boy: Three out of my four wallets feature unicorns.

It was nondescript. It wasn't bad, it was just nondescript.
[later]
We were stunning, weren't we.

That was the funniest darn thing. Not appropriate, but funny.

Cranky Arthur Avenue shopowner: I can't pull a pizza out of my hat. These people think I can pull a pizza out of my hat.

71 Startling New Updates

Yeah, everyone's evil these days.

You make me want to go--again.

I tend to like books where the main character has insomnia. Mark of genius.

Girl 1: Guess what? I have a startling new update!
Girl 2: On our drama?
Girl 1: Yeah! Guess what I think her name is?

Let's go! ...We're totally opposite right now.

Guy: I like [Name]. He's cool.
Girl: Yeah, he's cool. He's funny. He reminds me of a banana.

Girl: I swear, old people get on my last nerve!
Unrelated person: Liar! Liar! Liar!

You don't swear in front of short people.

They're actually better-looking in person.

1: Why are you gonna drink coffee?
2: 'Cause it seems like a good idea.
1: [laughs]

70 Things that are more important than you

I have places to be and naps to take.

Sophomore year is so dramatizing.

It smells like delicious somethings. I'd like some.

69 Truth-Finders

Wait - I told her not to tell you the thing that I told her about you! That b****!

You're telling me that NOW? Before the PROM? But I already bought a new BRA!

...But honestly, Jackie*, you're just not that pretty. And you're not very bright. Now, don't you feel better that we've had this talk?

Girl1: So you're saying you had nothing to do with this?
Girl2: Yes!
Girl1: Nothing at all?
Girl2: Yes!
Girl1: But she said you did!
Girl2: I didn't!
Girl1: So let's clarify, you're saying you DIDN'T take my waffles?
Girl2: Nope, I took 'em.
Girl1: *confused look*
Girl2: Yeah, I lied. Sue me. They were good, too. Blueberry.

Boy: So tomorrow I'm -
Girl: Going to Vermont.
Boy: How did you know that?
Girl: Just a...guess. Whatever it is you're thinking, just know that I DIDN'T tap your phone.

Chicknumero1: Yeah, he's (her boyfriend) a REALLY good kisser.
Chick numero2: Yeah, I know, right?
Chicknumero1: Um...you...huh?

68 Life-Loving Wasps

I swear I'm not talking about you. Even though I'm pointing at you, it doesn't mean anything.

He is so game on!

You have a lot of love of life for a wasp.

You sound pretty scourged at the moment.

Why don't you use biobuthenal? Then you can make all the noise you want!

1: He loves to eat, right?
2: Yeah, that's one of the good things about him. A bike ride would be a great idea.

Wouldn't it be funny if you died on a Monday?

It looked nice on the dummy, but it doesn't look nice on me.

Why would I have chocolate at a time like this?

67 Ambiguous Sentences

My mom just got pregnant when she had her baby.

She really wants to know.
She'll find out some day. She'll be quiet.

Ooh, I'm so scared of [name]... big ol' box of [name].

First of all you're drooling... and it's metal... it takes a good half hour... and then another good half hour.

Guy 1: But I can't tell you the story!
Guy 2: Just tell me the story or I'll hurt you.
Guy 1: No! It involves you! I can't tell you the story!
[Pause.]
Guy 1: [Name] knows the story.
Guy 2: Tell me the story!

1: He pushed the button for the stop sign instead of for the yellow flasher.
2: [inaudible]
1: And Bill didn't have his glasses today...

Mythical beings live inside my water bottle.

1: This one only has two strings.
2: That's what I said.
1: No, I thought you said, "Nah, never mind."

66 Knights of the Round Table

[Before Spamalot begins]
Dad: The password is "the knights who say ni!"
Son: I'm typing it in!
Dad: [musing] How do you spell "ni"? N... I...

[On the train]
Man: ... that and the fact that you're not blood related?
Woman: And I didn't grow up in the South.
Man: Yeah.

Man: (It's like the) days of the Amish when you just have to memorize phone numbers.