77 Words of advice that come but too late

Thanks, respectively, to Mom and Tony. --Maria

Sullen employee regarding unsatisfactory break room conditions: Ain't got no more juice down there. Gotta wash that cheese down with spit.

NO, JOHN! DO NOT SHOOT THE BAZOOKA AT THE GIANT MOSQUITO IN THE HOUSE!

76 Trombones & Whiskey

Woman speaking loudly into a phone to be heard: Listen, Ma, remember? The mailman used to keep a bottle of whiskey in the green mailbox. ...wha? No, Ma, when I was little."

Person 1: We're back!
Person 2: You left??

Woman (in April): I got so drunk that the bouncer... The bouncer had to carry me out on his shoulder, dropped me on top of my car, and left me there. I used to drink a lot, because you know Blueberry....

Person 1: I'm not trying to make it weird, it's just that you're not blonde.
Person 2: Do I look blonde?
Person 1: No...

75 Reasons to never, ever be hard of hearing

This soundbite was contributed by Larry Tusunami, a good friend. Larry provides background for this story: He was in a radiology facility and in the next room, an elderly woman was receiving an explanation of things she had to do after her x-ray. However, she was hard of hearing, so it was necessary for the explainers to raise their voices considerably. --Maria

Woman, speaking quite loudly: REMEMBER, YOUR URINE IS RADIOACTIVE. WHEN YOU URINATE, DO NOT GET ANY ON YOURSELF, OR ELSE THE TEST WILL COME UP POSITIVE, BUT IT'LL BE FALSE.
ALSO, YOU'RE RADIOACTIVE. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GO NEAR ANY PREGNANT WOMEN OR INFANTS.