90 Misrepresented Girls

I'm supposedly a go-getter kind of girl… a detail-oriented, always on time person… I wait till the last minute on everything!

89 Ugly and/or Talented Actors

I'm very good at fake crying. I have to look in the mirror and then I can cry.

88 Rude Little Naïfs

Pregnant Mom: Slow down a little, I'm not climbing up as fast as you.

Daughter: That's because you're pregnant!

[pause]

Daughter: When I'm pregnant someday, I'm going to climb faster than that.

She sat there with her fork and her finger!

It smelled like something, though, bad.

Girl 1: She's super-pretty. Have you seen her close up?

Girl 2: Yeah, I used to play basketball with her.

87 Reasons to say grace

Very small girl: Thanks, God, for this ketchup. In Jesus' name.

86 Medium Lies

Girl on phone: If you honestly think she cooks, that's a lie.

Girl: He's not ugly. He's in the middle.

Female voice over bus radio system: When the light changes, you go, okay?

Mother, with sneezing daughter: [daughter sneezes] God bless. [daughter sneezes] God bless. [daughter sneezes] God bless. [daughter sneezes] Okay enough.

[This next one was really cute at the time. Not sure how well it translates to just text. --Maria]

Mom: Mommy's not looking for that kind of shoe, sweetie. Mommy's looking for black flats. A black, flat kind of shoe.

Little girl: What about this one? It's black, and it's flat!

Girl: I can foil like nobody's business.

Female restaurant patron: You had a lot of girls who were interested in you in the northeast. [laughing] And then you married the Wrong Girl.

Girl in breakfast line: Orange juice is like the water of breakfast. You would die without it.

Girl: Ohmygod I'm sweating from laughing so hard!

1: Trumpet. What are you?

2: [inaudible]

1: Well, not You you.

85 pounds of wasted

It's covered in nacho cheese. Don't ask.

Woman in restaurant: I'm sorry, I never complain, but I'm 100 pounds and I should be wasted by now. I don't think there's any vodka in this drink.

Waitress: No?

Woman: No. Could you add a little somethin'?

[Later] Thanks for understanding.

84: DRUG drugs?

Girl in bathroom: So he's trying to keep me away from Tyler...he told me last night that Tyler was getting into drugs lately. So I was like, drug drugs, or like marijuana? And he was like, drug drugs.

83 Arguments Counter to Self-Tanner

I don't get why everyone thinks they have to look orange to look nice. You end up looking like a cheese nip.

Man in restaurant: I never liked Joanna. She's just one of those people that, every word out of her mouth, is intended to put you down.

Same man: I know he was going on his ultimate sailing trip around the world, and I called him to do his job, and he said he couldn't, and then he said he could do it, but I had already booked someone else. That is my total knowledge of the matter. ...somewhere in the Cook Islands, he said.

82: Maddie's first sound bite... ever.

At a concert with loud screaming fans and one singer with his bad. This is 4 girls talking.

Girl 1: Wait... umm... why does Nick's voice sound so funny while he's talking!?

Girl 2: Umm... I don't know... maybe hes.... (loud screaming surrounds) stoned?!

Girl 1: Wait... did you just say that he is STONED!!!!?!?

Girl 2: No... I said that maybe he has a cold.

Girl 1: Oh...

The next two girls are talking a few rows over...

Girl 3: and yea... so we were living in China for a while... but we just moved back a little while ago.

Girl 4: so wait... are your two baby girls Chinese-American!?

Girl 3: Nopee... they arent Chinese-American... but i can CERTAINLY tell you that my second daughter was MADE in China.

81 feats of amazing strength and tonsorial skill

I could lift you with one eye tied behind my back.

I'm about to go spray some Fabulous in someone's face... It wouldn't be so fabulous, would it....

Guy with mohawk ponytail: I'm actually gonna shave the top of it, but I'm gonna rat-tail it and dread the rest of it.

80 Child-Proofed Lollipops

Girl: He can't just dance. He has to have it choreographed for him.

Girl, failing at opening candy wrapper: Are these child-proofed?

Parent: It's like, kids, wait 'til you're older and you have more things to carry.

Why don't they just serve everyone corn and get it over with?

Guy: Hello?! It's my tongue. I want to keep it in my mouth.

Boy staring at a cracker: That's disgusting... He licked it and.... That's disgusting.... (eats cracker)

Chatty art class student: My dad tears whenever I pluck his eyebrows. They are so long they go all the way into his eyes!

Person with British accent: Shall i drop it like it's hot?

79 Shutdowns

Girl 1: [shouting] Get a room!

Girl 2: They won't be lovers when they go to night school together.

Guy: I can pretty much smell when it's Sunday. Every Sunday, it just smells like Sunday.

If in doubt, just hold hands and scream.

I'm the worst thing that ever happened to me. I always get in the way of things.

Girl: Like, I think even I looked stupid that night.

Not only do I get a pleasure from it, it's distracting me from my work!

Overbearing Mother: Well if you don't like anything there's no point in staring at these shoes!

It's like, You can't think of a lie that Doesn't cost money?

78 Not-so-subtle subtleties

Is that what you call tact? You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.

I'm looking for somebody but I dunno who.

Music Teacher: Was that hard?

Girl 1: Yeah! Everything looks the same when you're hungry! Everything looks like Do.

Girl 2: That was a corny joke.

Girl 1: I'm serious!

Girl: ...all you had to do was keep your mouth shut. Can you imagine? [audio lost] And there were like twenty suicides.

Girl: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!

77 Words of advice that come but too late

Thanks, respectively, to Mom and Tony. --Maria

Sullen employee regarding unsatisfactory break room conditions: Ain't got no more juice down there. Gotta wash that cheese down with spit.

NO, JOHN! DO NOT SHOOT THE BAZOOKA AT THE GIANT MOSQUITO IN THE HOUSE!

76 Trombones & Whiskey

Woman speaking loudly into a phone to be heard: Listen, Ma, remember? The mailman used to keep a bottle of whiskey in the green mailbox. ...wha? No, Ma, when I was little."

Person 1: We're back!
Person 2: You left??

Woman (in April): I got so drunk that the bouncer... The bouncer had to carry me out on his shoulder, dropped me on top of my car, and left me there. I used to drink a lot, because you know Blueberry....

Person 1: I'm not trying to make it weird, it's just that you're not blonde.
Person 2: Do I look blonde?
Person 1: No...

75 Reasons to never, ever be hard of hearing

This soundbite was contributed by Larry Tusunami, a good friend. Larry provides background for this story: He was in a radiology facility and in the next room, an elderly woman was receiving an explanation of things she had to do after her x-ray. However, she was hard of hearing, so it was necessary for the explainers to raise their voices considerably. --Maria

Woman, speaking quite loudly: REMEMBER, YOUR URINE IS RADIOACTIVE. WHEN YOU URINATE, DO NOT GET ANY ON YOURSELF, OR ELSE THE TEST WILL COME UP POSITIVE, BUT IT'LL BE FALSE.
ALSO, YOU'RE RADIOACTIVE. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GO NEAR ANY PREGNANT WOMEN OR INFANTS.

74 Dead playwrights who must find another bathroom location

Girl: P.S., the cupcakes I made...

Girl: Shakespeare, don't pee on anything!

Kid: My dad has to wear high heels...

Guy: How did that happen?
Girl, on her phone: They're in a jail.

(7) 3 Norwegian bachelors carrying the damn pizzas

Old man bloviating in restaurant on Cape Cod (OMBIROCC): The only people who qualified [for Medicare] were three Norwegian bachelors in North Dakota, and suddenly eighty million people...

Derisive Woman in CVS: ...then you break your wrist wrestling?! That doesn't make any sense!

OMBIROCC: If you pay for it, they will eat it!

Man to Woman, in CVS (confidentially): Part of this is his willingness to do that in front of everybody...the kids...total disregard...

OMBIROCC: They had taken every single thing [from the silverware drawer] upstairs, (dramatic pause), and cleaned it! [said in a manner to convey the shockingness of the aforementioned action]

Girl: You drank garlic with orange juice in it?
Guy: Yeah...orange juice with garlic in it. Other way around.

Woman on a Phone: Are ya, are ya kidding? They were s'posed to use a dustless machine...oh really?

Hassled Woman (Who Might Be Named Debbie) To Her Elderly Mother: If you're going to make me drive the car up, just give me the damn pizzas!

Boy 1: You stepped on a perfectly nice sandcastle!
Boy 2: You stepped on a perfectly nice person!

72

What? Forgot to pay the gravity bill?

Boy 1: What did you have for breakfast?
Boy 2: You know, chips, pancakes, waffles, some mouthwash, the usual.

I got, like, an F in 3D!

Man: ...but only if it's soured rubber!
Woman: It is!

Woman on Metro-North: And I said, "Chris, I'm gonna come to your house for all my grocery needs!" [chuckle]

Boy: Three out of my four wallets feature unicorns.

It was nondescript. It wasn't bad, it was just nondescript.
[later]
We were stunning, weren't we.

That was the funniest darn thing. Not appropriate, but funny.

Cranky Arthur Avenue shopowner: I can't pull a pizza out of my hat. These people think I can pull a pizza out of my hat.

71 Startling New Updates

Yeah, everyone's evil these days.

You make me want to go--again.

I tend to like books where the main character has insomnia. Mark of genius.

Girl 1: Guess what? I have a startling new update!
Girl 2: On our drama?
Girl 1: Yeah! Guess what I think her name is?

Let's go! ...We're totally opposite right now.

Guy: I like [Name]. He's cool.
Girl: Yeah, he's cool. He's funny. He reminds me of a banana.

Girl: I swear, old people get on my last nerve!
Unrelated person: Liar! Liar! Liar!

You don't swear in front of short people.

They're actually better-looking in person.

1: Why are you gonna drink coffee?
2: 'Cause it seems like a good idea.
1: [laughs]