Wait - I told her not to tell you the thing that I told her about you! That b****!
You're telling me that NOW? Before the PROM? But I already bought a new BRA!
...But honestly, Jackie*, you're just not that pretty. And you're not very bright. Now, don't you feel better that we've had this talk?
Girl1: So you're saying you had nothing to do with this?
Girl2: Yes!
Girl1: Nothing at all?
Girl2: Yes!
Girl1: But she said you did!
Girl2: I didn't!
Girl1: So let's clarify, you're saying you DIDN'T take my waffles?
Girl2: Nope, I took 'em.
Girl1: *confused look*
Girl2: Yeah, I lied. Sue me. They were good, too. Blueberry.
Boy: So tomorrow I'm -
Girl: Going to Vermont.
Boy: How did you know that?
Girl: Just a...guess. Whatever it is you're thinking, just know that I DIDN'T tap your phone.
Chicknumero1: Yeah, he's (her boyfriend) a REALLY good kisser.
Chick numero2: Yeah, I know, right?
Chicknumero1: Um...you...huh?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
68 Life-Loving Wasps
I swear I'm not talking about you. Even though I'm pointing at you, it doesn't mean anything.
He is so game on!
You have a lot of love of life for a wasp.
You sound pretty scourged at the moment.
Why don't you use biobuthenal? Then you can make all the noise you want!
1: He loves to eat, right?
2: Yeah, that's one of the good things about him. A bike ride would be a great idea.
Wouldn't it be funny if you died on a Monday?
It looked nice on the dummy, but it doesn't look nice on me.
Why would I have chocolate at a time like this?
He is so game on!
You have a lot of love of life for a wasp.
You sound pretty scourged at the moment.
Why don't you use biobuthenal? Then you can make all the noise you want!
1: He loves to eat, right?
2: Yeah, that's one of the good things about him. A bike ride would be a great idea.
Wouldn't it be funny if you died on a Monday?
It looked nice on the dummy, but it doesn't look nice on me.
Why would I have chocolate at a time like this?
Monday, January 26, 2009
67 Ambiguous Sentences
My mom just got pregnant when she had her baby.
She really wants to know.
She'll find out some day. She'll be quiet.
Ooh, I'm so scared of [name]... big ol' box of [name].
First of all you're drooling... and it's metal... it takes a good half hour... and then another good half hour.
Guy 1: But I can't tell you the story!
Guy 2: Just tell me the story or I'll hurt you.
Guy 1: No! It involves you! I can't tell you the story!
[Pause.]
Guy 1: [Name] knows the story.
Guy 2: Tell me the story!
1: He pushed the button for the stop sign instead of for the yellow flasher.
2: [inaudible]
1: And Bill didn't have his glasses today...
Mythical beings live inside my water bottle.
1: This one only has two strings.
2: That's what I said.
1: No, I thought you said, "Nah, never mind."
She really wants to know.
She'll find out some day. She'll be quiet.
Ooh, I'm so scared of [name]... big ol' box of [name].
First of all you're drooling... and it's metal... it takes a good half hour... and then another good half hour.
Guy 1: But I can't tell you the story!
Guy 2: Just tell me the story or I'll hurt you.
Guy 1: No! It involves you! I can't tell you the story!
[Pause.]
Guy 1: [Name] knows the story.
Guy 2: Tell me the story!
1: He pushed the button for the stop sign instead of for the yellow flasher.
2: [inaudible]
1: And Bill didn't have his glasses today...
Mythical beings live inside my water bottle.
1: This one only has two strings.
2: That's what I said.
1: No, I thought you said, "Nah, never mind."
Sunday, January 4, 2009
66 Knights of the Round Table
[Before Spamalot begins]
Dad: The password is "the knights who say ni!"
Son: I'm typing it in!
Dad: [musing] How do you spell "ni"? N... I...
[On the train]
Man: ... that and the fact that you're not blood related?
Woman: And I didn't grow up in the South.
Man: Yeah.
Man: (It's like the) days of the Amish when you just have to memorize phone numbers.
Dad: The password is "the knights who say ni!"
Son: I'm typing it in!
Dad: [musing] How do you spell "ni"? N... I...
[On the train]
Man: ... that and the fact that you're not blood related?
Woman: And I didn't grow up in the South.
Man: Yeah.
Man: (It's like the) days of the Amish when you just have to memorize phone numbers.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
When I'm 65?
Subtlety is not an option.
Girl on bus: Who are you trick-or-treating with?
13-year-old boy: I'm trick-or-treating with GIRLS!
[Later, explaining]
13YOB: It's like a boys' night out, with girls.
Girl: [in a "blonde" accent] Oh my God, you guys, my birthday is like in three days. And like, I'm getting my prom dress from Nebraska, y'know? It's like... like red, and wrinkled but in a stylish way. But I don't know if I can get it, 'cause it's like $200, and, I just don't know, y'guys...
Math class girl: Oh my God, why do you even do any work in here if you have all these games on the calculator.
Math class boy: Because I wanna go to college.
MCG: That's stupid.
MCB: And get a good job.
MCG: You won't.
MCB: Why?
MCG: You don't know how to.
MCB: You're stupid.
Girl in study hall, talking to a friend: I don't understand how this boy could be cute as f%*^ and boring as hell!
A well-written biography will just light up the world for me.
Girl on bus: Who are you trick-or-treating with?
13-year-old boy: I'm trick-or-treating with GIRLS!
[Later, explaining]
13YOB: It's like a boys' night out, with girls.
Girl: [in a "blonde" accent] Oh my God, you guys, my birthday is like in three days. And like, I'm getting my prom dress from Nebraska, y'know? It's like... like red, and wrinkled but in a stylish way. But I don't know if I can get it, 'cause it's like $200, and, I just don't know, y'guys...
Math class girl: Oh my God, why do you even do any work in here if you have all these games on the calculator.
Math class boy: Because I wanna go to college.
MCG: That's stupid.
MCB: And get a good job.
MCG: You won't.
MCB: Why?
MCG: You don't know how to.
MCB: You're stupid.
Girl in study hall, talking to a friend: I don't understand how this boy could be cute as f%*^ and boring as hell!
A well-written biography will just light up the world for me.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
The square root of 64 is eight...
Guy 1: Do you know the etymology of that word?
Guy 2: What's that?
Guy 1: It's like, why that word became.
It's almost time! I'm almost out of chocolate!
1: ...No?
2: He said it was too big.
1: Do you realize what you're losing?
2: ...superintendent of schools don't care... do away with the position.
Dyed Blonde Girl: So I have [name] sleeping over at my house tonight. You could come over then, but I dunno if you'd want to...
Guy 2: What's that?
Guy 1: It's like, why that word became.
It's almost time! I'm almost out of chocolate!
1: ...No?
2: He said it was too big.
1: Do you realize what you're losing?
2: ...superintendent of schools don't care... do away with the position.
Dyed Blonde Girl: So I have [name] sleeping over at my house tonight. You could come over then, but I dunno if you'd want to...
Thursday, November 6, 2008
63 Strangers Hugged
[After three-person group hug]
Girl: It's Hug A Stranger Day!
Boy: He's not a stranger!
Girl: I don't know who he is!
Girl: We're just gonna get like a fry.
Guy 1: Barry Manilow's gonna be on my team.
Guy 2: But that's awesome!
Girl 1: So was she in the box?
Girl 2: ... We stopped by the mirror and she pulled out a clump of her hair.
1: I was good at math when...
2: When it was just numbers.
[laughter]
1: They took me out of the dumb class with all my friends and put me in the smart class with all my enemies.
Boy: That's why he's wearing yellow!
Girl: Everybody always wears blue!
1: I wore my Uggs today. I feel special.
2: It's not even that cold out.
1: I usually wear my flip-flops until the second day after it starts snowing.
Can you feel my presence? 'Cause I'm right there. Do you feel it? I'm right there.
Girl: It's Hug A Stranger Day!
Boy: He's not a stranger!
Girl: I don't know who he is!
Girl: We're just gonna get like a fry.
Guy 1: Barry Manilow's gonna be on my team.
Guy 2: But that's awesome!
Girl 1: So was she in the box?
Girl 2: ... We stopped by the mirror and she pulled out a clump of her hair.
1: I was good at math when...
2: When it was just numbers.
[laughter]
1: They took me out of the dumb class with all my friends and put me in the smart class with all my enemies.
Boy: That's why he's wearing yellow!
Girl: Everybody always wears blue!
1: I wore my Uggs today. I feel special.
2: It's not even that cold out.
1: I usually wear my flip-flops until the second day after it starts snowing.
Can you feel my presence? 'Cause I'm right there. Do you feel it? I'm right there.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
62 Smurfs at the Party on Wednesday
These sound bites were in a draft post from a year ago and somehow never got posted. I think they're still good, so I put them up. Enjoy! -Maria
You see that kid with the mohawk?
Yeah?
His twin sister is the Dark Lord of the Northern Regions!
[hysterical laughter]
Random Kid on Bus: Party on Wednesday! Come on, everybody parties on a Wednesday!
[The previous day...]
Bus driver: [honks horn]
RKoB: Woo! You honk at Tony, Tony honks at you! Woo! Come on Tony, let me out, I'll kick his-
So how many people have called you a Smurf today?
Well, there was... [counts on fingers, muttering about the two people in one class, the four people in English class, etc.] Twelve. Twelve people called me a Smurf today.
You're officially a Smurf.
But you don't have the stupid white hat.
I'll try and get one today and bring it it tomorrow. I'll make one out of newspaper.
You see that kid with the mohawk?
Yeah?
His twin sister is the Dark Lord of the Northern Regions!
[hysterical laughter]
Random Kid on Bus: Party on Wednesday! Come on, everybody parties on a Wednesday!
[The previous day...]
Bus driver: [honks horn]
RKoB: Woo! You honk at Tony, Tony honks at you! Woo! Come on Tony, let me out, I'll kick his-
So how many people have called you a Smurf today?
Well, there was... [counts on fingers, muttering about the two people in one class, the four people in English class, etc.] Twelve. Twelve people called me a Smurf today.
You're officially a Smurf.
But you don't have the stupid white hat.
I'll try and get one today and bring it it tomorrow. I'll make one out of newspaper.
Friday, October 17, 2008
61 Possible Relatives
Guy 1: Am I related to you?
Guy 2: Yeah, you probably is; you just don't know it!
Changing Vocal Cords Lad: Shut up! It's not greed, it's hunger!
Senior Guy: Hey everyone, Toga Tuesday! Everyone wear a toga on Tuesday. See if they take it off us all.
Girl: We learned that in like sixth grade.
CVCL: Do you honestly think I remember that, with my bad memory and short attention span?
Guy 2: Yeah, you probably is; you just don't know it!
Changing Vocal Cords Lad: Shut up! It's not greed, it's hunger!
Senior Guy: Hey everyone, Toga Tuesday! Everyone wear a toga on Tuesday. See if they take it off us all.
Girl: We learned that in like sixth grade.
CVCL: Do you honestly think I remember that, with my bad memory and short attention span?
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